My Mother

My mother, Maggie

On this Mother’s Day, I look back at my mother, Maggie, who died April 17, 1995. I think of her every day, and every day I put her practical advice into use. I credit my mother for the woman I am today, strong enough to raise my three lovelies, Tracey, Leah and Sharon, after my marriage was no more, to be the strong, professional women they are today.

My mother was already in her forties when I was born and although I often wondered if I was a surprise, she never once gave me that impression.  She was a practical woman, a kind person and good with money which there was not a lot of but we made do and she handled the household finances.  Along with my father's job, my parents had a field of sugarcane, a few cows, sheep, pigs and poultry.  They sold milk, butchered pigs for sale and we always had fresh poultry and eggs. I cannot remember ever wanting for much as a child. It probably helped that although families were bigger back then, I was the only child in the home after my bother married when I was six.

Every day I put my mother’s wisdom into play and I have always imparted it to my girls, especially when they may be having a rough day.  Here are a few examples of my mother’s advice (and yes, many of them are universal) in no particular order of importance and how I applied them to my life (these would have been said in our local dialect which I would not try to type hereJ:

Never let anyone live rent free in your head

• It is easy to internalized slings and arrows of others; to be hurt by negative comments and behaviour but after a day or two of constantly thinking about it and planning numerous ways of getting back at the person, I have learnt to either let it go or confront the person, trash it out and let it go

Consider the source

• Some people are not worth the effort. As much as we would like to think there are no lost causes, some of us are just destructive and should be avoided as much as possible. If avoidance is not possible, see above

The dog that brings a bone carries a bone

• Do not participate in gossip. Do not share anything with anyone that you do not mind being on the street

No one can take away your education

• Arm yourself so you are not at the mercy of others

Education is not commonsense

• Education is a must (see above) but commonsense will serve you well

Never put a stumbling block in anyone’s way

• Self explanatory. Will come back to bite you in the nether regions

Be careful  of the hole you dig for others that you do not fall in yourself

• Something more of us should think about. Always consequences to our actions

Keep a secret

• Let the person spread it if they wish but not you
• I have a vivid example as a young teen when an older teen told me an extremely personal secret. I told a friend and so on, and so on. It got back to the young lady in question, she complained to my mother and after I was read the riot act my mother advised the young lady she had no business telling me what she had done anyway and to keep such behaviour to herself. A twofer.

Never concern yourself with how people got what they have ’cause you do not know what they did to get it

• Speaks for itself

Do not be poor and show poor

• If you have one shirt, wash and iron at the end of each day and people will think you have many

Always have your own bank account

• Good to have the communal pot but it never hurts to be in control of some personal cash and you will never be at the mercy of anyone whether they are a miser or spendthrift

Share with others

• You may think you do not have much but there will be others who could use a little help. I remember as a child, especially at Christmas and Easter, taking parcels of ham, baked goods a drink or two to old widows who did not have much or who were no longer up to the task of preparing traditional foods at the holidays
• Back in the day, visitors would just drop by unannounced on Sundays, there was always enough food made just in case, hence leftover Mondays

These sentiments are shared by many but the trick is not to just hear what was said but to apply it to everyday lives. I miss my mother and wish she could have been around to see her grandchildren grow up. I did not always see eye-to-eye with her  and there were days, as a teenager, wishing for freedom from rules and a lax mother but I am glad for the one I had. Because of who she was and her practicality, I am the woman I am and I imparted her wisdom to her grandchildren and I am sure it will flow unto her great-grands and so on. She will forever live in our hearts.

Will keep you posted.

Turn the Other Cheek? Hell No!

I am not a violent person; Lord knows I would rather avoid confrontation and failing that use diplomacy and tact to diffuse the situation. However, the feelings of anger, rage, impotence and outright revenge that engulfed me when I started to watch the video of Fullerton, California cops, Manuel Ramos and Jay Cicinelli, beating and tasering the homeless and mentally ill man, Kelly Thomas, overwhelmed me.

I could not watch to completion as tears and sadness weighed me down when  Mr. Thomas started apologizing (for what?) probably thinking this would stop the assault. I totally lost it when he started calling for his father. Yet, those thugs (I will not state here what I really called them), totally devoid of feelings, empathy and compassion, continued their brutal assault on this man, whose crime, it appears, was to be homeless and mentally ill.

Thank goodness for surveillance cameras because without the video, the story may well be the usual one told by rogue cops of the victim being the aggressor.  Thanks also to social media which will ensure a wider audience is aware of another senseless death by cruel men.  One would think after incidents like Rodney King and Robert Dziekanski, cops would temper their behaviour but hell no, seems some of them just can't help themselves.

A man is dead because of the brutality of those who promised to serve and protect; it is to laugh at the irony.  We can only follow this case and hope justice is served but the way I felt after listening to Mr. Thomas’ apologies and cries for his dad, I would willingly repay those cops in kind. Not interested in the death penalty, that would be too good for them. Let them start each day experiencing what Mr. Thomas endured.to just within an inch of their lives. Every night they would be forced to watch the video on a loop playing throughout the night ensuring they would hear Mr. Thomas' cries each time they tossed and turned in their fitful sleep. It’s only fair to have their actions and the beaten face of Mr. Thomas seared into their brains until the day they die. They deserve no less.

Will keep you posted.

What’s a Poor Grammarian to Do?

Contractions

We’ve seen it or have been guilty of it; using “your” when clearly it should be“you’re”, making it obvious some of us have a problem with contractions and the difference between “your” and “you’re".

Just check out the comments on blog posts, Twitter, Facebook and other social media to see "your' running rampant with nary a "you're" in sight.

Once upon a time one could count on some smarty-pants acting as grammar police on a thread, calling out writers who assaulted the language, but not so much anymore. I think they’ve decided their sanity is worth more than correct grammar. Or maybe it was the abuse hurled at them for pointing out grammar shortcomings.

“Looser” instead of “loser” is showing up more these days but that’s another post. Language evolves but please, not like this.

Anyway, here, thanks to @hilzFuld, is a perfect and hilarious example of "your" and "you're". If you don't get it, don't worry; no one will call you a "looser" or is it "loser"?

Language evolves but please, not like this.

Will keep you posted.

Alone But Not Lonely

Here we are on the cusp of May; almost five months into the year and no sign of the nice man I am to meet.  Yup, he is one of my resolutions for this year; meet a nice man for companionship.  Actually, he was one of my goals last year as well. So far, there’s no sign of him. He sure is elusive.

Where are the older men? They can’t all be living like hermits. Are they all in relationships?  Have they tried the dating scene and given up? Have they migrated to younger women? Well, some of them have. I seldom see older men on their own. You can guaranty if there’s an older man pushing a grocery cart or walking around a store, his partner is not far off.

I complain about not meeting anyone, but truth be told, I am not looking that hard. Actually, I am not looking at all. If it happens, so be it. I have walked the married/in a relationship road with less than stellar results. I have found myself putting up with shoddy behaviour and wondered why, since outside my marriage when my girls were little, I was never financially dependent on anyone. It was not like I was fulfilling my dreams of travel with any of them, or dinners, theatre, tours. No, these relationships were basic; dinner, movie, dance and a picnic once a year. Of course, in the beginning there would be gifts and more movies and dinners. Then the comments would start about how much they enjoy just having a home-cooked meal and just hanging out at home. How relaxing it is to just stay in.  How going out on a holiday Monday is difficult because of work on Tuesday which just left Saturday as an OK day. Going out would be reduced further to the bare minimum to tamp down on my complaints of “You don’t take me anywhere.”

Mingy, My Adorable Companion

Marriage is not in my future.  Neither is sharing my home with anyone. I am at a place in my life where having a companion for social activities is all I require. So what type of man would fit the bill? Here is what I wrote on the subject on December 31, 2011:

So if you are independent, unattached, financially responsible, care about your relatives and pets; date women close to your age, love hanging out, movies, theatre, day trips, travel and giving back; if you look fairly decent, take care of yourself, have a live and let live attitude and a sense of humour; if you keep abreast of what’s going on in the world and at least try to keep up with technology; if you are not set in your ways and just waiting for death, maybe we’ll meet sooner than later.

Knowing what I want from a relationship (even one that is yet to materialize) is half the battle. Learning from my mistakes makes it easier to be upfront in a new relationship. I won’t settle for less again even if it means being alone but definitely not lonely especially with Mingy (pictured) to keep me company.

Will keep you posted. 

An Advantageous Pregnancy

An Advantageous Pregnancy

As I was cruising through the usual blogs and social media I tend to peruse on a daily basis, I came across an entry stating that one Bristol Palin of Alaska has a new reality show. That got me thinking about the vagaries of life.

Here is a twenty-one year old woman, who was thrust into the international spotlight as the very pregnant, unmarried, seventeen year old daughter of Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin. Knowing how her mother’s party is so against teenage pregnancies, it was surprising how all was accepted and forgiven. One couldn’t help thinking if circumstances had been reversed and she had been the daughter of the Democratic candidate, it would have been less than a forgiving acceptance.

When the campaign was over, just like the children of failed candidates, she was expected to return to her previous life. That was not to be as this young woman has been given such high-profile and well-paying opportunities such as being on the show,  Dancing with the Stars to demonstrate her dancing  skills  (or lack thereof), covers of tabloid  magazines, spokesperson for teenage abstinence and now, her own reality show.

There are many teenage mothers who have succeeded against great odds but spare a thought for the teenage mothers who are struggling to finish high school or college, probably holding down a job or two.  Maybe they had to drop out of school and are struggling to make the best of their situation while dealing with society’s disapproval. Their lives are forever changed because they became pregnant. Who is calling them up to have them give speeches on the joys of abstinence because clearly having sex makes one an expert on abstinence, but I digress.

It's obvious that in some quarters, becoming a teenage mother does not so much disrupt life and force a change in direction for the young woman, it is a stepping stone to fame and riches.

A cautionary note to any young girl thinking she may be as fortunate as the young woman in question; think, really think of the life being led by a teenage mother and see if it resembles the lifestyle of this young woman. Then face reality and realize this will only work out for you if your mother was the failed Republican VP candidate from Alaska. I kid you not!

Will keep you posted.

Rethink Pink

I have nothing against pink; it's a beautiful colour with a rich history and most often associated with babies and little girls.

In recent memory, pink became the colour for the fight against breast cancer and was embraced by many because of this worthy cause. Manufacturers jumped onto the pink bandwagon and started slapping the ubiquitous pink ribbon on all types of products.

Some of us were perturbed by what appeared to be an unholy alliance of manufacturers and search for the cure  organizations which looked like a big industry unto itself. Pink was appearing on every item possible; shoes, bags, hats, clothing, jewellery, gardening items, home décor, office supplies, mugs, small kitchen appliances, pet supplies, you name it, it has probably been 'pinked'. The pink ribbon and the colour pink had become marketing tools. I have to admit I steered away from pink products and all products sporting the pink ribbon. I never felt comfortable with any of them.

In light of the Susan G. Komen disastrous decision to defund Planned Parenthood and the 'reversal' a few days later after a huge backlash, in my opinion, it`s time for women to stop encouraging and buying into the 'pinking' of our health. Millions of dollars have been raised and spent and are we any further ahead than we were ten years ago in a search for a cure? Maybe it`s time to shift our focus to prevention as a viable part of cancer research as well.

From the Susan G. Komen fiasco, we can see that an organization headed by women supposedly working for the good of women does not always have the interests of women at the heart of its objectives. It`s a shame breast cancer and women`s health have become politicized but it`s great to see that women, prompted by the Komen decision, found their voice and forced that organization to back down and their V.P. for Public Affairs, Karen Handel, to resign. Even better to see the role social media, like Twitter and Facebook, played in getting women`s voices heard.

We women have the numbers. If we let others have jurisdiction over our healthcare, we will have no one to blame but ourselves. Let`s rethink pink.

Will keep you posted.  

Linda, on What Cancer is and is Not

I came across this video and was struck by the brutal honesty and forthrightness portrayed by Linda.

It takes guts and self-awareness, not possessed by many, to say what Linda says.  She not only speaks about cancer, she explains and shows the results of the various medical treatments required to halt the progress of the illness and the resulting changes to her body.

Explaining what cancer is and does is not all Linda offers; she rails against the politicization of this disease and her severing of her support for the Susan G. Komen charity that recently cut funding to Planned Parenthood. N.B. After an enormous backlash, Susan G. Komen has reversed their decision.

As Linda said, “Cancer makes you frank…it makes you no longer scared.” She comes across as one fearless and fierce lady. Kudos to her.

Will keep you posted.